black-bunny
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...
I should be updating about my trip to Toronto, but I feel too out of sorts
for that right now.
Screw out of sorts, I�m feeling like outright friggen crap.
Last night, I wound up chatting with Godboy over msn. You know what, thank the
gods for things like msn, to hell with what folks say about how people can�t
�connect� via the internet. It may not be the same as a face to face
conversation, but, it has a unique property of allowing a �buffer� between you
and the person you are speaking to. If there is one thing I�ve learned this past
year is that sometimes, a face-to-face conversation or a phone call can be a
little too much, especially when you really need to talk and need not to lose
face.
Last night�s conversation was rather intense. Godboy is in a very unhappy state.
He�s been so for a number of years and is becoming very tired of it. I can
empathize in a way I had hoped I never would. Being unhappy for a long time,
trying very hard to remedy that and having very little (or seemingly little) to
show for it is very, very disheartening.
And it�s terrible to hear your sadness and loss echoed in someone else�s words.
All I wanted to do was run over, gather him in my arms and squeeze all that
sadness out of him, even it meant that I absorbed it in return. If only such
things were possible. Then I could go somewhere and expel all that energy, all
that sadness, give it back to where ever it came from and have it done away
with. But then again, I want someone to come here and squeeze all the sadness
out of me.
If only it were so easy.
Instead, we are left to wander and wonder.
In the end, I guess we both sobbed ourselves to sleep.
It�s becoming difficult again, just dealing with this sadness. Just the
realization that my bad days still out number the good days is almost enough to
make me give in completely.
I spent 15 years telling myself that everything was within my power to change,
especially myself. It�s taken me two years to realize that I have little power
to change anything, especially myself. Because at this point it�s not about
�change� anymore, it�s about �managing�.
No mate, no children. An ailing family and a sad heart.
No confidence, no dream, no destination.
So, tell me, what am I supposed to do now?
10:12 a.m. - 2004-08-31
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