black-bunny
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People are strange, when you�re a stranger�
Haven�t had much of an urge to post anything lately, though I�ve been mighty
introspective these last few weeks.
My thoughts have been primarily centered around my perspective on people, namely
my tendency to completely idolize some folks and be utterly hyper-critical of my
own actions/motives. This causes some cognitive dissonance because for a long
time, I regarded myself as quite a bit higher on the evolutionary ladder than a
lot of folks I once knew.
This �I�m-more-evolved-than-you� attitude probably came about from my background
and utter lack of self-esteem I had growing up. There came a point where the
pendulum swung for me. I grew to be very confidant and even arrogant about my
talents, my perspective, my experience and my looks.
This is where a most unfortunate thing happened. I criticized everything, and I
mean everything. Almost nothing was safe, no person, no place, no thing, no
situation. Just about everything got a full-scale critique, if only in my mind,
though often I did have a more-than-sympathetic ear.
Of course, you know what happens when you keep up this kind of attitude.
Everything begins to suck.
And then the pendulum swung back.
All that criticism turned back onto me. I felt terrible for the arrogance I
displayed, for the situations that I laughed at and the people I scorned. I
decided that everyone was human, and deserved to be treated as such.
That is, everyone but me.
I felt lower than dirt.
In the end, I was lucky. I realize that there are things that need to be dealt
with, and I reached out to the right people. I also began shutting the hell up,
because criticism is a thing that still flows naturally from me. I do my best
to break the bad habits I have cultivated over the years. I try to form new
ones.
I do my best to relax about �things� and �stuff�. You know, all those things
that distract you from your goals, the things that are no longer (or never were)
worth your time.
Sorry, I�m straying here.
What I am trying to get at is this: despite my perspective on people and what
they do, I am still really astonished at what some people do. Many people who I
once considered my �betters� have been doing some spectacularly odd, if not
down-right stupid things. And I haven�t been the only one to notice either.
And the strangest thing has come out of this.
I�ve begun to feel better about myself.
The more I see that others are fallible, the more I realize that it�s ok to be
just that. I�m no better and no worse than the next person. I�m not so angry,
or I�ve been able to completely stop being angry at certain people/situations.
It�s not quite empathy, it�s most certainly not forgiveness, it�s just being ok
with not understanding.
No more long, convoluted theories or explanations about why anybody does
anything, because if I do things for reasons I have yet to understand, so does
everyone else.
Now, that doesn�t mean I have forgiven all manner of things and am 100 per cent
ok with everything. Not by a long shot. I�m still avoiding some people like
the plague. Interacting with these people would only fan the smoldering embers
that have been left behind.
I�m not interested in standing in the charred remains of bridges I�ve burned, no
matter how �noble� or �mature� it may seem.
So, yeah, that�s been what�s going through my head lately.
Not to mention, I�ve been very busy socializing and happily drinking myself into
an early grave. There is an All Hallow�s Eve costume that needs to be made, a
fashion show outfit I have to decide on, and so many other smaller things (like
my eminent birthday, KMFDM & Cruxshadows shows) to think about.
I am a very busy little bunny these days.
3:50 p.m. - 2004-09-09
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|
|
|
|
|
|