black-bunny ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello again! I know I haven�t written in a while. It�s not for lack of things to say, lordy knows there�s been much to talk about� Since my last diary was �uncovered� by someone curious, but well meaning, I�ve been rather skittish about what I write. I�ve been feeling a little vulnerable as of late, and so have had little motivation to write. But I�ve missed it, and I thought of you everyday, little diary. � I�ve been somewhat preoccupied with the idea of �change�, in the personal way. I�ve been trying to figure out what exactly, or even vaguely for that matter, constitutes change. Come the end of year, everyone reflects on the year past and makes resolutions for the year next. I�ve often found some comfort in doing this. It�s a chance to reflect on the good and the bad, and an opportunity to make resolutions that will impact your life. So many people want to change. But is it possible? Most folks I know are mid-twenties and up, do these people have what it takes to change? And will �change� bring any happiness into your life? I firmly believe that people don�t change all that often. I�ve heard it too often where one person will swear that they�ve changed, or that someone else has changed, but once it came right down to it, they really haven�t. Sure, moving, starting a new job, having a baby, getting married can bring out all these new behaviours, maybe ones nobody�s ever seen before, but that�s just a new facet of your personality, not a change. Too often, put these folks in an old situation and the old behaviour comes right back. Don�t believe me? Go back home for a weekend, or visit a friend you haven�t seen since high school and tell me you don�t do the exact same thing you did back then, tell me you don�t get treated the same, that those same old reactions don�t come up. Change doesn�t come easy, and it doesn�t always come when you want it to. It bothers me how people brag about the changes they�ve made in their lives when all they�ve done is cut off the situations that brought about bad feelings to begin with. Sometimes, you can�t change, and if that bothers you, maybe you should look into the reasons why you want to change so bad. Maybe you should just learn to like who and what you are. That, my friends, is about as close as I can come to a revelation for 2004. � Xmas was alright, it was quiet, though filled with quite a bit of tension. But that�s ok. � Things have shifted a bit between Godboy and I. He spent almost a month avoiding me and I�ve lost patience again. I really needed to talk to him, about a variety of things, and I thought I was being courteous by asking for some time to talk, so that I could have his undivided attention. Instead of setting side sometime for me, he spent his time freaking out and being, as he put it, �really scared�. I was pissed for a while, I don�t like having to chase someone down to listen to me. But, I realized that this was nothing new, and I went from being angry to being just plain indifferent. And of course, now that that tension�s past, he�s being rather sweet and doting again. I�m not sure if it�s because he wants to get back in my good books again, if it�s because he cares, or if it�s because he really doesn�t have a clue about what he did. All I know is that I�m trying to do things differently. All the things, the big things, that I wanted to talk to him about I have yet to talk about. And I don�t plan on telling him either. He�s always said that one of the best things about our previous relationship was that he never had to worry if I was telling him the truth, he knew I was always honest, despite how it may of hurt his feelings. And I strive to be honest, to the best of my abilities (in all seriousness, it�s hard to be honest with others when you are busy fooling yourself). In fact, there are a boatload of things that I�d love to spill all over the place here. I�ve even had the temptation of starting a new internet identity and talking about these things somewhere else, but the old feelings would resurface again. One lesson I did learn a while ago is that there is a difference between what�s secret and what�s private. I have very little secrets, but there is quite a bit that I�d like to keep private. It�s been an interesting thing to accept the idea that I don�t have to tell anyone anything. I only really started keeping things to myself a couple of years ago, namely because I was tired of feeling like I was being judged, whether it was actually happening or not (and as much as it pains me to say this, I�m afraid I was being judged more often than originally thought � funny the way time gives you perspective). I�m trying to quell my near-compulsive habit of blurting whatever it is I�m thinking or whatever it is I�ve done. Maybe I do it because I�m seeking approval or absolution, in the end it may not matter why. What was/is important to me is that I stop doing it. You know what I�ve found out? It bloody hurts people�s feelings when you do that. That sucks so hard, it�s not even funny. Lesson number two, it doesn�t matter if you don�t intend to hurt people�s feelings, their feelings will get hurt anyway. That�s been a difficult pill to swallow. No small wonder I couldn�t figure out why my relationships were incredibly unsatisfactory, I ran around trying to do my thing, and making sure that I didn�t step one anyone�s toes in the process and still people were getting upset. It took me a long time to realize two things: I wasn�t always the root of people�s distress, and those who said I was should, quiet frankly, get their head checked. That�s not to say I haven�t pissed off people, I have, but they�ve been within the realm of normal and acceptable. I was insensitive, I made joke when I shouldn�t have, I�ve been unfair. But once pointed out, I�ve been able to see the error of my ways. But there have been other things that I�ve be made responsible for that are so out of left field, it�s a little unsettling. Well, I think I�ve gone on long enough. There�s more I�d like to say, but I�m tired and hey, you�ve got better things to do with your time too. Toodles! 1:19 p.m. - 2005-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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