black-bunny ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wining the battle but losing the war Yeah, I know. I just don�t write like I used to. I�d apologize, except that I�m paying for this, not you. Sorry, I shouldn�t be so surly. Been sick for a few days now, and I�m going a little stir crazy from it. Plus, the warmer weather�s coming. Makes me want to get out during the day, and right now, that ain�t an option. So� tonight, it�s all about the sex. Namely, how I�m not really getting any. No, that�s not true. I�m just not having �regular� sex. I�m not involved with a regular person. Everything I do is abnormal. Every. Last. Bit-of-it. I didn�t think I�d see the day where an orgasm wasn�t the pinnacle of my existence. I honestly thought my own pleasure would rule supreme in my sexual life. I�m finding myself ruled a hundred different sensations, a hundred different emotions, a hundred different pains and pleasures. In six weeks I�ve known a kind of bliss that I had only dreamed of. And, as always, try as I like, I know it�s fatefully, horribly, fleeting. In time, it will bring me to a despair that I will wish I had never courted to begin with. Sad thing, this Love, this Abandon. Someone asked if great sex can be just that, great sex. Some have said yes, the one who matters most to me agrees, just as you can have not-so-great-sex with someone you love. And true, you can have great sex with someone you don�t love, but� �but can you have continuous great sex with someone and not fall in love? I suppose some can. I know I can�t. And there in lies the rub, as it were. How, how am I going to save my heart? How I can I stop it when the inevitable happens and I feel it break? I adore this man, I really do. I look in his eyes, and my heart just � melts. He has a mischievous grin and glint to his eye that constantly spells trouble. How am I supposed to walk away from that? He has me utterly pinned. The morning after we got to spend the night together, he lay on top of me and had me pinned to the bed. I started to struggle, claustrophobia setting in; he held my wrists, looked at me in the eye and said, �stop fighting me.� I did. I haven�t fought back since. As scared as I may be at times, I�ve simply stopped fighting. Is it trust? Faith? Have I given up or given in? Falling falling falling� It�s always when I�ve resigned myself to a kind of solitude that this happens. I�m strong enough to stand on my own, and lo� does someone appear. Defences that I try to put up come right back down again. As vulnerable as before, and ne�er the wiser. Ne�er the wiser. 5:16 a.m. - 2005-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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