black-bunny

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This might be it.

This may be the end.

I know, I know, I�m probably being overly-paranoid and things may be better in tomorrow�s morning light. But still� I�m afraid already.

I really like Him. No, I�m not in love, not yet, but by the gods I do like Him.

Please, don�t let Him be like the others. Let Him be what I always thought He was.

If ever anyone were to ask me why I like Him so much, why He draws me so, I�ll tell them this:

I developed a crush on Him sometime in early January. I had met Him in passing, and then one night, a group of us all hung out at Alfie�s (RIP) for Rara�s birthday. He and I wound up by closing the place with Rara and her�s, so the four of us toddled off to her place. We hung out, four were then three, and three became two. Just Him and I.

He asked if I wanted to spilt a cab. I declined, it was a nice mild night.

The next day, I couldn�t get Him out of my head. I�d remember his voice and I felt my chest tighten. But I resigned myself to the crush, I saw no future, no possibility, no chance. But there was something about Him, the way He spoke, the way He carried Himself... there was this ... energy, this force.

Then sometime later there was a �fateful� night, where the dam broke on a few different issues, including my brewing feelings for Him. It was too much, I had to take advantage of what was happening�

Bliss.

What followed were some of the most intense emails and conversations I�ve ever had. Even though I had given in, I tried to pull away, the situation seemingly too complicated. But for every obstacle I threw in His direction, He calmly persisted, and was nothing but optimistic.

How, how could I resist?

From the very beginning, He�s been nothing but optimistic, persistent and decisive. I pull away, He takes my hand and draws me closer to Him, speaks to me in a calm, paternal voice. I melt and melt and melt.

I only found out a little while ago that He, too, was interested early on. In fact, He had already taken note of me before we�d gone to Alfie�s. He has patience and determination. He wanted me, and as long as there was a chance and I was willing, He perused me, unflinchingly.

This is the first time I have ever experienced that in a man who was interested in me. Everyone else has found that the slightest hitch along the courting path was enough to cause serious doubts, even if they were cleverly hidden from me. (Hind-sight is a sharp and unforgiving perspective.)

This gentle determination is what I need from someone, above everything else I EVER thought was important. It may not be fair, it may be unreasonable, but I need someone who makes a decision and stays with it. No flinching.

I�m afraid He�s flinching.

I�m afraid that He�ll tell me that this can�t go on. And I�ll accept it, I�ll be okay with that. I really will, I know this can�t go on forever.

But what I�m terrified of is that He�ll change his mind after. A few days, a few weeks, the anxiety, the cloud, the feeling will pass, and He�ll decide that no, He does want to see me.

And He�ll be just like every other man I�ve ever known. Willing to put me out of their life because something scared them, and the moment that fear has passed, they�ll come around again, whispering how they never meant to hurt me, how they won�t do it again � until the next time they are scared�

The worse part is, I don�t have the strength to stay away. And I�ll spend every day trying to ignore the anxiety gnawing in the pit of my stomach. The knowledge that if He�s left once, He�ll do it again.

Please, if He tells me to go, then make sure He means it. Don�t let Him change his mind.

I don�t want Him to be �the one�, I just want Him to NOT be like the others.

I just want Him to be different.

3:25 a.m. - 2005-04-19

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