black-bunny ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This happens every time, I don�t even bother asking why. I woke up this afternoon feeling wonderful. I had slept well, I woke up early, got dressed, left to pick up some quick groceries. It was beautiful out. Warm, windy. Came home, got food ready, left to go work out, came back, made food, hung out with DannyBoi and watched Trailer Park Boys, got ready for work� All the while feeling fan-fucking-tastic. Of course, I think the credit it due to Sir. He came by for lunch today. Instead of the usual activities, we more or less just snuggled under my blankets. He squeezed me tight, kissed me. I feed Him His sandwich and orange slices, �You enjoy taking care of me don�t you?� Yes I do. It reassuring. I�m doing something right. I really just wanted to do that today, just be close to Him. We chatted about the dynamics of doing something like this full-time. Not Him and I, but in general. He mentioned that it would be easy for an outsider to see that sort of thing as being abusive. I don�t know if I quiet agree, I think most would think it archaic. Embarrassing even. It would be a lot of work. Especially for a Master, I would imagine. All that responsibility. I guess it would depend on the amount of control the sub would want to give, I suppose. I�ve often wondered if I could manage that. A live-in Dom-sub life. Sometimes I think it would be wonderful, not having to think all the time, being able or at least striving to remove all needless worry because someone else had the reins. All I know is that it would take someone very special and very strong to keep me like that. I�m not an easy character most days, and a down-right cunt when I want to be. I some times feel that I either need to be in complete control or have none at all in order to be happy. Right now I am in neither state. And sometimes that makes me deeply unhappy. Like now. Woke up feeling great, but I can guarantee that by bedtime I�ll be crying. Life is going to change for me in a big way very soon. Sometimes I find it�s good, my life will take on a bit of direction, something to think about beyond me. But I�m afraid that I�ll lose things I hold very, very dear in return. Namely, my relationship with Him. Or if I don�t lose it, it will change deeply. It suits me fine right now, and I don�t want that to change. Funny I still find myself trying to figure out why it suits me fine, partially for curiosity�s sake, partially because DannyBoi doesn�t believe for a second that I�m actually happy. I don�t know why I�m happy. I should be upset I suppose, sharing a man, knowing that I�m not His number one. But it doesn�t bother me. How can you not feel special when someone goes out of their way to see you, to spend time with you, in between all their other responsibilities? But why am I blathering about this? I woke up happy right? Waking up feeling great makes me grateful. Being grateful means I count my blessings, and when I did that today, I realized that the coming changes in my life may take some of those blessings away from me. But I really shouldn�t freak out too much. I work hard at keeping myself open to these blessings, I work hard at keeping my friendships, at getting what I want. So what�s really going to change? Yes, you have to find a new apartment. But most of that will be temporary. Score a new apartment. You are always thinking about others, you always spend your time caring about them, and luckily, you picked good people who treat you the same way. So calm down already. 2:42 a.m. - 2005-05-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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