black-bunny
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Good grief, NOW with extreme editing!
I am in such a state this week.
Flinching-wondering-nervous-freaked-out-feeling-all-sneaked-up-on.
Sickening state of being that is.
Had a terrible dream last night. Dreamt that Godboy was moving to Toronto.
Correction, I dreamt that he had already moved to Toronto. In my dream, I
got a call and it was him telling me all the things he told me over IM last
night. *edit edit edit*
*edit edit edit* I burst into tears in my dream. And I didn�t stop
crying throughout the entire dream. In my dream, I visited my mum, and I cried.
I visited Dorothy, and I cried (despite the fact that, in my dream, she informed
me that she was sleeping with someone who is gay, and her husband didn�t mind),
while Dorothy worked at a Starbucks(!).
*edit edit edit* *edit edit edit* In my dream, I knew he was never coming back, never calling me or
anyone ever again and that this phone call was the last of it.
Forever.
I couldn�t stand it. I can�t stand it.
And I�m not entirely sure why.
Last night�s conversation with him was unsettling, perhaps because much of what
he said was mirrored in me. Feeling a need to start over, completely new,
dropping out, cutting off ties with everyone, dropping everything and running
like hell.
But then again, it�s upsetting to see words like that coming from a friend. It�s
not nice to see someone walking along that edge, pondering whether or not they
should let themselves fall� It�s enormously worrisome, and only amplifies my
feeling of helplessness. And what do you say? Don�t do it? Things will get
better? Look on the bright side?
After telling myself, for a year, these same things, I am thoroughly disgusted
with such platitudes.
My relationship with him is very selfish. When I�m down, I feel better with him.
When I�m doing well, I�m on cloud 9 around him. He makes me laugh, and helps me
understand what�s going on in my head. *edit edit edit*
I never want him to go away.
But he will. I see it. And I�ll have no choice but to move on.
...
Sorry folks, about all the editing, I didn't quite like the way things turned out with this entry, but I couldn't bear to delete it.
9:51 a.m. - 2004-07-23
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