black-bunny
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Moan and Groan
Funny because it's true.
Friday was a great night. I saw a Montreal based band called �The Love Cats�.
They were groovy Cure perfection. I danced, I hung out, I sung along, and 3
hours and 3 sets later, I was also exhausted.
Bid adieux to the lovely folks from the goth shoppe and went home.
The next day, DannyBoi and I tramped around the market, wasting some time before
going to the Pat Califia booksigning and launch(?)
of Mortal Companion. As we hung out outside of Venus Envy, I couldn�t help but
wonder what folks thought of as they drove or walked by. I mean, we were a
noticeable group. A sizable number of butch dykes and assorted sexual deviants.
As folks stood around and made idle chatter about sex, politics and who was
where during Pride, DannyBoi and I entertained ourselves with lines from
Bobroom:
�Don�t smoke it, just sell it, you�ll be alright��
�What�s with that hat man� you�ve got no eyes��
�Larry�s standing up��
Ok, it was way entertaining to us.
Also, I also wondered if folks had us pegged as a couple. Mind you, I didn�t
think about it too much, because I didn�t care to guess who was or wasn�t a
couple.
Speaking of couples, I saw �Viky� and her beau from this season�s KINK. I really
wanted to say hello and tell them that I thought that they were truly
inspirational as a couple, but in the end I decided against it. I couldn�t for
the life of me remember their names and I didn�t want to embarrass myself or
them with my gushing. In the end, I just satisfied myself with the occasional
stolen glance.
DannyBoi got to meet Mr. Califia (now gender identifying as male) and he signed
her old copy of �Macho Sluts� which she�s had for almost 15 years. He remarked
that he hadn�t seen the old cover of that book in many, many years. We left,
DannyBoi was smiling ear to ear and I was happy for her.
After, I was exhausted, but I wanted to go to the Big Jeezus Truck show, knowing
that if I didn�t go, I�d regret it. I changed my mind though, I op-ed for a
night in, an array of sleep-inducing drugs at hand and a copy of �Up in Smoke�
and �Children of the Corn�. I was asleep by midnight.
I woke up Sunday at 9 a.m., I had slept an unearthly 9 hours, the first full
night�s sleep I�ve had in weeks. Dannyboi and I went out to our usual breakfast
spot, and I was so happy. Then noon came, and my mood grew quite dark after
that. I wasn�t exactly sure what was going on with me, but I had my suspicions.
Then Godboy called, and confirmed what I had feared the day before. He and his
friends went to the BJT show, and it was great.
I was in a black mood after that.
Stupid that I would seemingly get upset over missing a good show.
But I knew it wasn�t that. I knew it wasn�t the show I was pissed about. I was
pissed that I had missed a night of hanging out with Godboy.
That spells trouble. A whole lot of it.
DannyBoi could tell something was up, and she took me out for ice cream. No deep
conversation really, just idle banter and me asking her questions about her
childhood and friends.
I finished up with my laundry, came into the living room and announced:
The reason why I felt (feel) miserable these past few days (weeks?) is that I
feel useless and un-taken-advantage-of. I have enormous potential. When I was
with Godboy, or even Evileddy, I was busy loving the hell out of them. Yes,
there were problems, insurmountable problems that spelled the end for those two
relationships, but I was busy, distracted, I had someone else to focus on. A
variable that was just predictable enough for me to be comfortable with. Even
when I was in between relationships, I still had something on the go, even if it
was just �casual.�
And now, nothing.
I don�t even have a �best friend� to busy myself with.
So, now, even the mildest of let-downs from Godboy are enough to ruin my day.
And it�s not anything he�s done. There has been no leading-on, no
crossing-of-boundaries, nothing. He�s been a great pal.
But me, well, I guess I�ve been relying on that friendship to smooth my ruffled
feathers and fill a void that has begun to grow inside of me.
Bad. Very bad.
I�m dealing with loneliness for the first time in my life. I haven�t been single
for this long since I started to have romantic and physical relationships. I�ve
bounced from one situation to another, and now I�ve landed on my ass.
I�m really at a loss at what to do. My normal
make-a-decision-and-fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants reaction/confidence is gone.
I don�t like what I see when I look around me. If what I have now is the total
of my future�
I don�t like what I see inside of me. If who I am now is the total of what I
will be�
Oh dear oh dear�
11:58 a.m. - 2004-07-26
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