black-bunny
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Strange, always and forever strange.
Last Friday quite possibly saw the end of something. The end of a weakness, a
bane, a task and a challenge.
Friday, it happened and I felt nothing, except perhaps a pervasive feeling of
�something�s different, something�s � gone.�
Is it truly possible?
There�s so much I want to ask, to say, but I won�t. It�s a conversation I don�t
even want to pretend to have.
As you know, I don�t change, at least, not often. It would be groovy if every
time something in my personality or life actually changed that I could pat
myself on the back and take the credit, �oh all my hard work has come to
fruition� and all that jazz.
But no. That�s not what happened. It wasn�t me who changed, only a response.
Though I will admit, that new response took a little time to occur, thankfully
nothing worth regretting happened during that lapse of time. Embarrassing, yes,
but that embarrassment is well worth it, knowing what I know now. The act is
done.
Do I feel freer? Well no. Have I had a epiphany? Not really. It just seems that
I have to wait for my psyche to catch up with my waking brain. My ego to my id,
as it were.
And so, there is one less weight on my shoulder. Of course, that leaves room for
another worry to climb there and get nestled in. But I don�t mind. That weight,
it was an old one. I may have learned all I need to learn from it.
What then, next on the horizon?
Am I to suffer jealously? Regret? Humiliation? I dearly hope not.
Maybe I�ll become invulnerable. Maybe instead of constantly falling in love,
I�ll be cold and distant. A veritable fortress where no weakness escapes. I�ll
hold them close to me and my shield even closer.
I�m convinced I need protecting, if only from myself.
I wish my friends understood that. I know they love me, I know they care, but
sometimes I feel that they mistake their past for my future.
I�m just trying to get my needs met, because, as life has taught me, you can�t
rely on anyone else to do that for you. And believe me, if you met me, you�d
know that my list of needs is quite long.
Somewhat high maintenance, I am. But that�s ok, I�ve made my peace with that.
But that does beg the question: is it possible for someone to find all my
idiosyncrasies charming, my strengths true and my weaknesses bearable? I�m in
this mode where I don�t think it is possible.
One friend told me recently that she couldn�t stand the idea of my being in a
relationship where I�m not on the pedestal that I deserve, that I�m not the
first thought of someone else�s day. A couple things about that:
Being on a pedestal has taught me one thing, when the one you love chooses to
knock you off it (or accidentally pushes you), it�s a painful fall. Twice now
I�ve dealt with the sudden realization that I have, indeed, fallen square on my
ass. Twice I�ve had to learn that I was not as important as I thought, finding
out that my beloveds would much rather cling tightly to their fears than to me.
Hard lessons, let me tell you.
Another is that being on a pedestal means you have to behave like you deserve
it. I don�t. I�m naturally self-effacing in many ways. Sometimes, my self-esteem
is shot to shit over the dumbest things. That�s no way for someone who�s
worshipped to act.
The last thing� it�s lonely at the top. You can�t share a pedestal.
No� I think I�m better off here for now, at the bottom of the heap. I�m not
responsible for anyone�s feelings but my own. I only have to do as I�m told, I
don�t need to think or plan, so therefore, I�m not expected to worry. I only
have to give what I can, and be able to receive as much as I can bear.
I don�t have to be anybody�s mother or superhero. I don�t �magically� make
things better, I don�t make any major contribution to someone�s life. I don�t
have to �talk it out�, I don�t have to �own� my feelings or �recognize� someone
else�s, or wonder if it all balances out. I don�t feel cheated because things
aren�t fair.
Everyday, my role is simply, wonderfully defined.
Be there, be available, and go with it. If you don�t like it, say so. If you do,
than just lie back and enjoy it.
And I am.
I don�t have to do anything else.
3:09 a.m. - 2005-04-12
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